Please do spare some time to watch this video about a type of eating disorder.
It can be hard for people to understand certain situation simply because eating disorder was pictured to be an disorder where people do not eat and often look very thin. But this can be a misconception.
DISCLAIMER:
This is my personal thoughts and view on eating disorders.
This all comes from personal experiences and perspective.
And, do take note that I don't look like a thin or skinny girl. I am on the average or perhaps slightly above average scale.
"A normal person would say: Tomorrow I'm going to eat healthy. But inside my head... I have to get rid of the food as fast as possible."
I do not claim that what I'm facing here is of any sort of eating disorder. Perhaps it's just a sense of insecurity? I'm not certain as I have not seek 'professional' advice thus had never been proclaimed to have any of the known eating disorder today.
But one thing for sure, I am very insecure and cautious of my weight. Living in a word where we're told how to live our lives, manipulated multiple times, time after time, told what is 'beautiful' and what is not.. just everything.. everything feels like a threat now.
Growing up, I was a fat kid. I was very plump and bloated. I kid you not. And every day, you face people telling you and reminding you of how fat you are and how you should lose weight. Some of which from people with pure intentions of worrying about you and simply out of love and care and some others, ..well, perhaps just for the sake of saying so. But I was a kid, so what do I care? I didn't bother much and I lived as I like. I was happy and enjoyed the food that I eat. I was spoiled and fed my favorite things. I had a good life and honestly I was very well cared-for. It didn't seem to affect me much even though I knew for a fact that, yes, yes indeed I was fat. But little did I know that, that was the start of something big.
I came to an age where I started caring more. Noticing more of myself and my image. From being a kid who never felt disgusted about herself while looking into the mirror to a kid who starts picking on every flaw in her body. I disgust myself. The way I looked.. the fats on my cheeks, thighs, hips, etc. I hated them. All of them.
The comments on the other hand, never stopped. But things added up from then. It wasn't entirely the comments, but more onto me starting to compare myself to others. To your very own cousins, friends or random strangers from the magazine, on the street, etc. It made me feel more insecure as I started to give in to all these thoughts.
Eventually, I lost weight. I worked hard and lots almost 10kg within a few months. I was about 12 years old then. Thinking back at it now, ..dang, I was quite young. It's scary.. because..that was when everything started deteriorating till today, I still can't get over myself.
From losing those weights, I realized that I actually like receiving comments about how much better I looked, how much thinner I was and I liked being 'thinner'.
Without much thoughts, it grew into an obsession... Even though I still ate, but I've developed a strong consciousness about my weight.
Today, I am still living in fear about my weight and I can tell you that it's not easy. It's hard because on certain days you feel like you don't care and can eat all that you desire(of course a healthy way of eating, I don't mean forcefully over-stuffing yourself) and on others, you're just so scared to eat cause you can gain weight from it. From gaining weight, you start feeling all disgusted about yourself all over again and other feelings that comes with it.
Living a life like that, is a way of self-torture. You constantly don't feel good enough and constantly put yourself down and bash yourself for not being 'good' enough. You're always living in fear.
Again, it's not easy.. nor are you happy about it.
For many people and for me, we do know how miserable we're living our lives and we sure as heck know how unhappy we are about this. We're still conscious about what is good and what is not, what is right and what is wrong. We can tell that this is not good for us and that we should't do this to ourselves. But sometimes.. most of the time perhaps, we really can't help ourselves.
Many wants to go back to living a care-free life where you can just not bother as much about what or how you eat. A life where you're not afraid to try and explore. People who live such lifestyles look so much happier and content emotionally and spiritually compared to us.
Mind you, by me saying this, I don't mean a life where you just stuff yourself with lots and lots of food thinking that it's alright to do so cause it's my life, but rather, a life where you can just simply eat proper meals without struggling so hard and feeling guilty for doing so. It can also be a life where you're still physically active and eat right. But having these types of thoughts, even if you're physically active and you're not fat at all(say, a size 0) you can still face the same problems and feel guilty and other other feelings which I face too.
So it really does depends.
I am envious of those who can eat without having much of any struggles. (Again, I don't mean those who stuff their selves purposely).
The type of thoughts and my way of thinking, I know for a fact that it's unhealthy. It does scare me.. what makes thing worse is that just a few days ago, I freaked out about an egg having too much oil. I screamed a little upon the sight. I'm not kidding, I had one of which seemed like a panic attack. I felt so stressed and pressured, also I couldn't think straight. My breathing got my rapid and it was hard for me to catch a proper breath. I was on the verge of crying. I was just so boiled up with emotions(upset, anger, anxious). If I didn't control it, I am sure I would have had a break down and cried then.
That incident scared me.. it still freaks me out today. I have no idea why that happened to me nor why I felt that way. As fearful and insecure as I was all these years, I've never had it this bad. I'm scared......... I really don't know what is wrong with me....and I fear that it can develop into something much much more serious and worse from here......something far worse than this. And if that day happens... I know that my life would not be easy and also, I know that I would not be happy...
I know....... I'm trying to change.. trying to see things differently.. I am.. I am trying.... But it's not easy.. it's so so hard even though I know that it's not good for me and that I don't want to end up having a serious eating disorder. I know what I want, but this isn't an easy battle.
So to all the others who are fighting the same thing as I am, please, don't give up. I understand how hard things can be. But please.. let's do our best and hopefully it'll all turn out well!
And to the rest who doesn't, I hope this gives you a little insight of how it's like to live in these thoughts and perhaps if your friends do face such problems too, you'll be able to be more empathetic and compassionate about their struggles and situation.
P.s I do feel guilty that other children are starving in other parts of this world and I know it's wrong. But hey, ..what we face here is a real dilemma too.
To me, family doesn't necessary have to be bonded by blood. Sure blood ties makes you a family, but that's only by law. There's not emotional bondage guaranteed.
I am blessed to have a family, a real family. A family whom cares and provides for me not necessary financially but emotionally and physically. As some may know, that in a sense, I've lost my 'family'. But I was blessed, to be surrounded by people who care and still loves me. To have my friends and their families to be there for me too and also to still have my two wonderful guys in life(My brother and my octopus :P We'll just call him that.).
After my family broke off, festive celebrations died down. It bothers me sometime to see how 'dead' things are now at home. What should have been a happy celebration/gathering ends up revolving around arguments and unpleasant atmosphere. I try not to let it get to me too much a laugh it off but once in a while it still gets to me. Seeing how happy and united other people are.. it makes me feel.. a little bit.. envious. Not jealous. But envious. I do appreciate all that I have and what I've been through but deep inside sometime I still wish that I can be as united as them. Laughing away with cousins and friends. I miss that feeling.
BUT, I am lucky enough. I know this.. I have my 'family' with me now. Though we may not be related by blood but nevertheless they're still my family. The best and as real as one could ever ask for. Thanks to them, I'm still standing at my feet and appreciating everyone and every moment of my life. I was blessed to be able to celebrate all these festive events with them. To be able to go and feel the spirit of it all, I wonder if you knew how much that helped me though and how much I appreciate it all. I feel at home with them. They make me feel safe and happy. Appreciated..
I really just want to thank you all, especially Fish and her family to give me this opportunity to celebrate with you all. To let me be a part of what was supposedly a family event. To always be there for me and provide me with the best help and support that anyone could ever offer. To always be there to help celebrate my birthdays and also Christmas, CNY, Chap Goh Meh etc. Also our o'level results. (Congrats again! HEHE :3)
It's not really the parties and food which makes me happy, but rather the emotions that you've given me. To be able to feel your sincerity towards me. The love and family and everything else that comes with. It slowly helps me heal inside(helps me heal emotionally). Bits by bits, it makes me stronger and happier.
I really could never thank you all enough for all that you've done. You could have just abandoned me and leave me be or just pretend that you don't know anything but you didn't. You chose to listen and help me along the way. Support me and also encourage me..
Thank you..
Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your family..
You know.. deep inside tho I hide, I've always had this fear where another girl would like you ..and you would like her too.
You would be able to do things with her that we wouldn't be able to do together as of and as for now(the time being).
Hold her.
Kiss her.
Hug her.
Spend time together.
Talk to her face to face but not virtually.
Go to her when you need someone.
Watch movies together.
Hold hands.
Have meals together.
Have walks together.
Maybe study and go to class together.
Do homeworks together.
Spend the weekends together.
Celebrate festive days with her.
Spend birthdays together.
Hang out with her along with your friends/her friends.
Do the new year count down together... And she would be able to emotionally, mentally as well as physically be there for you when you're upset, to lend you a shoulder or company.
The list is endless..
The things that we wouldn't be able to do together. For now.
Are we strong enough to endure all these and wait till a day where we could actually be together? Would we be able to overcome all the obstacles thrown at us and stay true to each other? Would either of us be strong enough to resist such temptation when it comes before us? Would you be able to say no/would I? ..is our love strong enough...? Do you.. or do I, ...
..Do we love each other enough to wait for one-another?
When you put a girl in a room full of other girls, she tends to compare herself as much as she hates to. She'll pick on her flaws, get more insecure, think that she's not good enough, probably hate herself more, feel upset and simply just over think too much. What do you think I'll feel when you're surrounded by so many other girls? I don't show it, I try not to. I tell myself to not worry but to "trust" cause what's there to think about? I'm just making things in my head. But deep down inside... I'm scared and very insecure cause I feel that I'm just not good enough and all these made up thoughts in my head are bugging me such as 'What if he falls for her? She's so much better than me in every possible perspective.. ohmygodohmygodohmygod'. I can't help it. I'm sorry.. it scares me.. I know this is unhealthy for every relationships.. but that's just that.
This is why, ladies.. despite all these, we got to TRUST. We got to BELIEVE and also to have some CONFIDENCE in ourselves. Trust and believe in not only your partner(boyfriend) but also yourself. Trust your choices and trust that your boyfriend is and will be faithful. Trust his love for you and trust your love for him. Believe in yourself and your relationship also your boyfriend. Have some confidence in yourself.. have some confidence in your relationship. These I believe, are some of the few very important keys/elements into building a healthy and successful relationship and prevent from self destructing yourself and your relationship.
Oh also!!! Communication! It is very important. It helps strengthen your relationship and your bond. Talk about it. What's the use if you can't be open to him about things? Be honest. Tell him how you feel and hopefully both of you can try to work things out together. But try not to make it into an argument nor make it sound like an accusation. Be empathetic about the situation be it whether cause it's your fault or his(or vise versa).
Bottom line, you two got to work as a team. It's also about teamwork :). TRUST, BELIEVE, CONFIDENCE, COMMUCATION; all of these got to work together too.
Trust yourself, trust your partner, trust your relationship.
Believe in yourself, believe in your partner, believe in your relationship.
Confidence.. be confident in yourself, be confident in your partner, be confident in your relationship.
Communication; I believe to be able to have a successful communication, you got to trust, believe and have confidence(refer to above) also BE EMPHATIC at all times. :)
I know it won't be easy and it takes time to earn and build all of these so...good luck girls/boys! Excuse me now while I go find the strength to work on mine! >.<
*facepalm* I'm so forgetful. Before I end this for real I want to say something else which I forgot to mention above; sorry! Try put yourself in your boyfriend's(partner) shoe. What if he was the one seeing you with all your guy friends being all close and stuff? I mean sure they're just friends so it's not big deal. In some cases tho, some girls tend to get all sensitive about it and it might turn into an argument since we might feel offended that our boyfriends are getting all upset about our guy friends. We might start to think that he doesn't trust us, he's being too sensitive or too much etc but really, think about it. We too get a little jealous when we see them with other girls, right? As much as we know and tell ourselves that they're just friends (which they are) but deep down inside, it does disturb us a little...doesn't it? In my case it does. I am angry at myself for having feeling that way, but I am not ashamed to admit that I do. So before anyone starts pointing fingers, stop and think. Think about why and how your partner may/is feeling too. Don't let your negative feelings take the best of you(do not act precipitously). So here's where all the "trust, believe, confidence, communication and be emphatic" comes in.
All the best to everyone out there who's facing the same problem and is trying to work it out. Kudos to those whom have :) x
Stay strong always!
Annyeonghaseyo! I'm 브레나 but call me Do Re Mi :P
I enjoy life.
I'm just another typical teen-age girl.
I have amazing friends in life.
You're what keep me going.
My surrounding motivates me.
I'm not very good in English, especially in spelling,
so I apologize.
Asian;awesome.
You Jelly? ;)
Please do spare some time to watch this video about a type of eating disorder.
It can be hard for people to understand certain situation simply because eating disorder was pictured to be an disorder where people do not eat and often look very thin. But this can be a misconception.
DISCLAIMER:
This is my personal thoughts and view on eating disorders.
This all comes from personal experiences and perspective.
And, do take note that I don't look like a thin or skinny girl. I am on the average or perhaps slightly above average scale.
"A normal person would say: Tomorrow I'm going to eat healthy. But inside my head... I have to get rid of the food as fast as possible."
I do not claim that what I'm facing here is of any sort of eating disorder. Perhaps it's just a sense of insecurity? I'm not certain as I have not seek 'professional' advice thus had never been proclaimed to have any of the known eating disorder today.
But one thing for sure, I am very insecure and cautious of my weight. Living in a word where we're told how to live our lives, manipulated multiple times, time after time, told what is 'beautiful' and what is not.. just everything.. everything feels like a threat now.
Growing up, I was a fat kid. I was very plump and bloated. I kid you not. And every day, you face people telling you and reminding you of how fat you are and how you should lose weight. Some of which from people with pure intentions of worrying about you and simply out of love and care and some others, ..well, perhaps just for the sake of saying so. But I was a kid, so what do I care? I didn't bother much and I lived as I like. I was happy and enjoyed the food that I eat. I was spoiled and fed my favorite things. I had a good life and honestly I was very well cared-for. It didn't seem to affect me much even though I knew for a fact that, yes, yes indeed I was fat. But little did I know that, that was the start of something big.
I came to an age where I started caring more. Noticing more of myself and my image. From being a kid who never felt disgusted about herself while looking into the mirror to a kid who starts picking on every flaw in her body. I disgust myself. The way I looked.. the fats on my cheeks, thighs, hips, etc. I hated them. All of them.
The comments on the other hand, never stopped. But things added up from then. It wasn't entirely the comments, but more onto me starting to compare myself to others. To your very own cousins, friends or random strangers from the magazine, on the street, etc. It made me feel more insecure as I started to give in to all these thoughts.
Eventually, I lost weight. I worked hard and lots almost 10kg within a few months. I was about 12 years old then. Thinking back at it now, ..dang, I was quite young. It's scary.. because..that was when everything started deteriorating till today, I still can't get over myself.
From losing those weights, I realized that I actually like receiving comments about how much better I looked, how much thinner I was and I liked being 'thinner'.
Without much thoughts, it grew into an obsession... Even though I still ate, but I've developed a strong consciousness about my weight.
Today, I am still living in fear about my weight and I can tell you that it's not easy. It's hard because on certain days you feel like you don't care and can eat all that you desire(of course a healthy way of eating, I don't mean forcefully over-stuffing yourself) and on others, you're just so scared to eat cause you can gain weight from it. From gaining weight, you start feeling all disgusted about yourself all over again and other feelings that comes with it.
Living a life like that, is a way of self-torture. You constantly don't feel good enough and constantly put yourself down and bash yourself for not being 'good' enough. You're always living in fear.
Again, it's not easy.. nor are you happy about it.
For many people and for me, we do know how miserable we're living our lives and we sure as heck know how unhappy we are about this. We're still conscious about what is good and what is not, what is right and what is wrong. We can tell that this is not good for us and that we should't do this to ourselves. But sometimes.. most of the time perhaps, we really can't help ourselves.
Many wants to go back to living a care-free life where you can just not bother as much about what or how you eat. A life where you're not afraid to try and explore. People who live such lifestyles look so much happier and content emotionally and spiritually compared to us.
Mind you, by me saying this, I don't mean a life where you just stuff yourself with lots and lots of food thinking that it's alright to do so cause it's my life, but rather, a life where you can just simply eat proper meals without struggling so hard and feeling guilty for doing so. It can also be a life where you're still physically active and eat right. But having these types of thoughts, even if you're physically active and you're not fat at all(say, a size 0) you can still face the same problems and feel guilty and other other feelings which I face too.
So it really does depends.
I am envious of those who can eat without having much of any struggles. (Again, I don't mean those who stuff their selves purposely).
The type of thoughts and my way of thinking, I know for a fact that it's unhealthy. It does scare me.. what makes thing worse is that just a few days ago, I freaked out about an egg having too much oil. I screamed a little upon the sight. I'm not kidding, I had one of which seemed like a panic attack. I felt so stressed and pressured, also I couldn't think straight. My breathing got my rapid and it was hard for me to catch a proper breath. I was on the verge of crying. I was just so boiled up with emotions(upset, anger, anxious). If I didn't control it, I am sure I would have had a break down and cried then.
That incident scared me.. it still freaks me out today. I have no idea why that happened to me nor why I felt that way. As fearful and insecure as I was all these years, I've never had it this bad. I'm scared......... I really don't know what is wrong with me....and I fear that it can develop into something much much more serious and worse from here......something far worse than this. And if that day happens... I know that my life would not be easy and also, I know that I would not be happy...
I know....... I'm trying to change.. trying to see things differently.. I am.. I am trying.... But it's not easy.. it's so so hard even though I know that it's not good for me and that I don't want to end up having a serious eating disorder. I know what I want, but this isn't an easy battle.
So to all the others who are fighting the same thing as I am, please, don't give up. I understand how hard things can be. But please.. let's do our best and hopefully it'll all turn out well!
And to the rest who doesn't, I hope this gives you a little insight of how it's like to live in these thoughts and perhaps if your friends do face such problems too, you'll be able to be more empathetic and compassionate about their struggles and situation.
P.s I do feel guilty that other children are starving in other parts of this world and I know it's wrong. But hey, ..what we face here is a real dilemma too.
To me, family doesn't necessary have to be bonded by blood. Sure blood ties makes you a family, but that's only by law. There's not emotional bondage guaranteed.
I am blessed to have a family, a real family. A family whom cares and provides for me not necessary financially but emotionally and physically. As some may know, that in a sense, I've lost my 'family'. But I was blessed, to be surrounded by people who care and still loves me. To have my friends and their families to be there for me too and also to still have my two wonderful guys in life(My brother and my octopus :P We'll just call him that.).
After my family broke off, festive celebrations died down. It bothers me sometime to see how 'dead' things are now at home. What should have been a happy celebration/gathering ends up revolving around arguments and unpleasant atmosphere. I try not to let it get to me too much a laugh it off but once in a while it still gets to me. Seeing how happy and united other people are.. it makes me feel.. a little bit.. envious. Not jealous. But envious. I do appreciate all that I have and what I've been through but deep inside sometime I still wish that I can be as united as them. Laughing away with cousins and friends. I miss that feeling.
BUT, I am lucky enough. I know this.. I have my 'family' with me now. Though we may not be related by blood but nevertheless they're still my family. The best and as real as one could ever ask for. Thanks to them, I'm still standing at my feet and appreciating everyone and every moment of my life. I was blessed to be able to celebrate all these festive events with them. To be able to go and feel the spirit of it all, I wonder if you knew how much that helped me though and how much I appreciate it all. I feel at home with them. They make me feel safe and happy. Appreciated..
I really just want to thank you all, especially Fish and her family to give me this opportunity to celebrate with you all. To let me be a part of what was supposedly a family event. To always be there for me and provide me with the best help and support that anyone could ever offer. To always be there to help celebrate my birthdays and also Christmas, CNY, Chap Goh Meh etc. Also our o'level results. (Congrats again! HEHE :3)
It's not really the parties and food which makes me happy, but rather the emotions that you've given me. To be able to feel your sincerity towards me. The love and family and everything else that comes with. It slowly helps me heal inside(helps me heal emotionally). Bits by bits, it makes me stronger and happier.
I really could never thank you all enough for all that you've done. You could have just abandoned me and leave me be or just pretend that you don't know anything but you didn't. You chose to listen and help me along the way. Support me and also encourage me..
Thank you..
Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your family..
You know.. deep inside tho I hide, I've always had this fear where another girl would like you ..and you would like her too.
You would be able to do things with her that we wouldn't be able to do together as of and as for now(the time being).
Hold her.
Kiss her.
Hug her.
Spend time together.
Talk to her face to face but not virtually.
Go to her when you need someone.
Watch movies together.
Hold hands.
Have meals together.
Have walks together.
Maybe study and go to class together.
Do homeworks together.
Spend the weekends together.
Celebrate festive days with her.
Spend birthdays together.
Hang out with her along with your friends/her friends.
Do the new year count down together... And she would be able to emotionally, mentally as well as physically be there for you when you're upset, to lend you a shoulder or company.
The list is endless..
The things that we wouldn't be able to do together. For now.
Are we strong enough to endure all these and wait till a day where we could actually be together? Would we be able to overcome all the obstacles thrown at us and stay true to each other? Would either of us be strong enough to resist such temptation when it comes before us? Would you be able to say no/would I? ..is our love strong enough...? Do you.. or do I, ...
..Do we love each other enough to wait for one-another?
When you put a girl in a room full of other girls, she tends to compare herself as much as she hates to. She'll pick on her flaws, get more insecure, think that she's not good enough, probably hate herself more, feel upset and simply just over think too much. What do you think I'll feel when you're surrounded by so many other girls? I don't show it, I try not to. I tell myself to not worry but to "trust" cause what's there to think about? I'm just making things in my head. But deep down inside... I'm scared and very insecure cause I feel that I'm just not good enough and all these made up thoughts in my head are bugging me such as 'What if he falls for her? She's so much better than me in every possible perspective.. ohmygodohmygodohmygod'. I can't help it. I'm sorry.. it scares me.. I know this is unhealthy for every relationships.. but that's just that.
This is why, ladies.. despite all these, we got to TRUST. We got to BELIEVE and also to have some CONFIDENCE in ourselves. Trust and believe in not only your partner(boyfriend) but also yourself. Trust your choices and trust that your boyfriend is and will be faithful. Trust his love for you and trust your love for him. Believe in yourself and your relationship also your boyfriend. Have some confidence in yourself.. have some confidence in your relationship. These I believe, are some of the few very important keys/elements into building a healthy and successful relationship and prevent from self destructing yourself and your relationship.
Oh also!!! Communication! It is very important. It helps strengthen your relationship and your bond. Talk about it. What's the use if you can't be open to him about things? Be honest. Tell him how you feel and hopefully both of you can try to work things out together. But try not to make it into an argument nor make it sound like an accusation. Be empathetic about the situation be it whether cause it's your fault or his(or vise versa).
Bottom line, you two got to work as a team. It's also about teamwork :). TRUST, BELIEVE, CONFIDENCE, COMMUCATION; all of these got to work together too.
Trust yourself, trust your partner, trust your relationship.
Believe in yourself, believe in your partner, believe in your relationship.
Confidence.. be confident in yourself, be confident in your partner, be confident in your relationship.
Communication; I believe to be able to have a successful communication, you got to trust, believe and have confidence(refer to above) also BE EMPHATIC at all times. :)
I know it won't be easy and it takes time to earn and build all of these so...good luck girls/boys! Excuse me now while I go find the strength to work on mine! >.<
*facepalm* I'm so forgetful. Before I end this for real I want to say something else which I forgot to mention above; sorry! Try put yourself in your boyfriend's(partner) shoe. What if he was the one seeing you with all your guy friends being all close and stuff? I mean sure they're just friends so it's not big deal. In some cases tho, some girls tend to get all sensitive about it and it might turn into an argument since we might feel offended that our boyfriends are getting all upset about our guy friends. We might start to think that he doesn't trust us, he's being too sensitive or too much etc but really, think about it. We too get a little jealous when we see them with other girls, right? As much as we know and tell ourselves that they're just friends (which they are) but deep down inside, it does disturb us a little...doesn't it? In my case it does. I am angry at myself for having feeling that way, but I am not ashamed to admit that I do. So before anyone starts pointing fingers, stop and think. Think about why and how your partner may/is feeling too. Don't let your negative feelings take the best of you(do not act precipitously). So here's where all the "trust, believe, confidence, communication and be emphatic" comes in.
All the best to everyone out there who's facing the same problem and is trying to work it out. Kudos to those whom have :) x
Stay strong always!
안녕하세요!
I enjoy life.
Asian.
Awesome.
Peanut-butter&Jelly!
..Turtles.
